My Padawan
by VenusJay
Summary: Can Obi Wan ever be forgiven for what he has done? Rating may change to M in later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

Gentle folk of the council; before you I stand, a collection of broken pieces. Before you judge me and write me off as abhorrent, I ask- no, I beg, allow me to show that I am no monster. The demon shadow that has been cast on my name is the very same that haunts my every waking hour. Yes, I am the man who made that shadow what it is but I am not wholly to blame. Please do not misunderstand me. What I have done is unforgivable, least of all by your honourable selves. I know that I am guilty. I only contest that I feel no guilt. Sienna skin and a tilted grin burned away any taste of morality that still laced my tongue. I would say my heart but I am not so crude.

My defence begins from this very room. At one time my happiness was incomparable. Could I go back and change things, I would ask that my head be shorn off along with my padawan braid. For if you asked me if I would go back and undo what I did, I would laugh at you. Though I know now what came next, I know I would never ask for anything different. I only wish I had died in that moment. But I was so very much alive! Fire danced within me at the thought of my upcoming trials. My euphoria provided me with an attractive glow. Ah, I can see that offends you. I am not vain by any means but that doesn't mean I am unaware of my charm.

I have grown from babe to man within these walls and thus my view of the world is entirely skewed. The children within this temple transition seamlessly from seen and not heard to 'seen and heard only when asked of them'. As adults they become exceptional Jedi and merely passable people. They are omniscient and dull, as beige as their uniformed robes.

So when on that night, my master had cruelly declared he would take another padawan! That was my first knowledge of jealousy. After all, I had merely been scenery until then. Beige and boring. Here was another equally as beige who was deemed technicolour. Before me stood a rather impish child who smelled of grime and sunshine. I might have revolted and demand that Qui Gon reconsider but I was so enamoured by those damned trials. I confess I did not like the boy. Even when he became my padawan he came with an association of grief. I, who had always been a provisor of peace had been given the gift of a hurricane with no return address. How I tried to be a good master to him. Never had I encountered a less beige child. The Force thrummed in his presence and left me with a constant headache. He was manic and childish and stubborn and seemed to take endless enjoyment in pestering me. I had such dreams for myself. A powerful Jedi on important missions and there I was with a rugrat in tow. All of this made it all the more surprising to me when I became accustomed to the peeter patter of his little feet. I began to long for the feel of the chubby one in my arms when the ghost of Qui Gon had visited. I started to intentionally draw out that little pout that would one day lead us all to wrath and ruin.

That little creature in all his childish and prudent forms became my galaxy and would I not have gone to any lengths to fulfil his every whim? Ask me if I would not! Had it not been for the Jedi vow of poverty the little swain would have been spoiled to the core. But I knew I could not keep him when the world is so big and tempting. When his limbs became less mass and more form and his grin took on a boyish charm, I was lost. How could I possibly hold onto this dazzling creature that had been formed and polished by the sands of Tatooine?

And so now gentle folk, you see the predicament I found myself in. For when I met that little demon he was merely the Skywalker boy standing four feet tall with a furrowed brow. When he became the Chosen One in his formative years, I marked them all on a door post. He was 'Ani' to the lady herself, to his mother (Force rest her). To me, he was Anakin, sleepy, stubborn or curious. He was my Padawan, my little one. Always my-forever my- please all force be good be 'My'! So I say now, punish me as you will. I would love nothing more than to meet my end, my master and 'My' Padawan.


	2. Chapter 2

On the first morning of my duties as Master; Anakin Skywalker had entered my world with as much indisposition as a flea. He took up residence within my very skin and followed me from room to room. When I think back now I curse myself for having been so vengeful as to have pushed him away. I had personally lifted him under the arms and deposited him in a chair by the table under the threatening instruction to stay put. Dear Reader I can even recount for you what I made for breakfast that morning because it is the same breakfast I had made for myself in all of my years of independence. It was the same breakfast made for me by my Master and by the nursemaids before he. Upon presenting it to the little boy I was furious to see him turn away with disinterest. What a little imp!

"You'll have no breakfast at all if you don't eat that," I had said with more anger than I would ever have shown otherwise. I turned in his general direction, for he had wandered over to the window, and found him looking at me with large and frightened eyes. Immediately he took his place at the table and dutifully spooned every morsel into his mouth. I stared in shock at the compliance this little flea was capable of and resigned myself to a relatively easy job from there in. Yes, I know! Laughable now. I knew little of his past. He simply-was. I did not understand his increasingly odd relationship with food or worse still his hero worship of every drop of water. His sleeping routine consisted of anything but a routine and I would find him over the coming weeks asleep on the floor, leaning against a wall during training or curled up in one of my (once neatly folded) set of robes.

My little Padawan learner was nothing like what I expected as he begged and demanded attention, pushing me away and loathing me when I complied. I tried to befriend him and he laughed at me. I tried to father him and he laughed at me more.

"I am your master," I would shout with fury as he disobeyed me time and again. His cheeks would smirk and he would cast his eyes downward. I knew then why they train them so young. Every single night we would fight and argue as Anakin lazily awaited some form of punishment and that very same night he would stand in the doorway to my bedroom awaiting admittance. I would always cave. He would clamber onto the bed and stare at me with innocent adulation. His questions never ended and I was thankful when the pauses between words increased, when he yawned sleepily and smacked his lips in a way I have never known an adult to do. We would sleep then, both of us peaceful. Then upon awakening, the dream would burst and we would be back to our tumultuous relationship of arguments. Each month he grew taller and his retorts became more sarcastic. Before I knew it my once cherubic little charge had grown into a surly and spiteful teenager and I had often twirled my lightsaber in my hand with the thoughts of murder-suicide.


	3. Chapter 3

In order for my rambling and wayward thoughts to make any form of sense, I must weave the narrative with a sentiment that Jedi are forbidden. Oh yes. I loved the child. In every fibre of my being the essence of such Force was scorched. My soul became the dry and acrid desert of his home as I was burned up and consumed. In the beginning as with all things, there had been innocence. But when I failed in my attempt at friendship and embarassed myself in fatherhood, I was left to dwindling options of how to love him. For I could not stop loving him.

I often consulted the memory of my former master at the most trying moments. When Anakin the Sulker had taken up a non reformatory vow of silence, excluding all sans Obi Wan who at the time was baffled and hurt by the stony quiet. When Anakin the Rebel had smeared kohl around his eyes and snuck out into the city. On that day he had met Obi Wan the Fearsome before he had even reached the city limits. But as in everything, I recieved no reply. Only a silence enviable by my young Padawan.

For this narrative, kind reader, I hope you will look on me with pity. For such a wretched and loathsome villain is what you will find upon first glance. Much as I wish to blot out these pages from my account, I know I must do justice. I do not recall precisely when I understood what was happening. Only a vague sense of foreboding visited me in those days. Akin to the boy's nightmareish visions, I would have flashes of aniexty that something was terrible wrong. They came in the form of a blue eyed gaze that held too long, a small hand that touched lightly in a casual yet practiced manner. No, I didn't know at all until it hit me with more searing realisation than a practice saber.

"It sounds to me like a crush," came a chuckled response from Mace as we stalked the corridor. I didn't see the comedy at the time and told him thus.

"You seem to forget that I knew your master, Obi-Wan. And a padawan crush should not be a new concept to you," he smirked.

"But it's not a crush," I shuddered. "It's something-"

"More?"

"Worse."

The conversation stays in my mind even now because of the connotations it had. I understand fully why Mace had laughed at me. I was implying my fourteen year old padawan learner was in love with me. Far more dangerous than the affection I had held for Qui Gon at that age. My love was one sided and led to my endless making of tea and general adoration at every turn. But Anakin's interest created a black smaug that permeated every room in the temple. I could feel the conflicting colours of his Force as he swung violently between rage and self loathing. Every practice room and lesson took place under a never ending night and it was starting to become noticeable that it stemmed from our quarters.

"Control the anger, he must," Grandmaster Yoda had mused one evening at supper as he winced from the glare of yet another bout of self loathing combined with teenage hormones.

Anakin's abundance of love for everything and everyone was leading the insanity of a group of people who could barely feel a tickle of some diluted emotion never mind the onslaught that was this child. He was an eternal headache and I could barely think on how to quiet it. We meditated. We meditated some more. He would pout and shuffle and sigh and name endless activities on a scale of fun to horrendous with my name featuring often in the lesser categories.

Often I would peak open one eye and find him at the other side of our chambers where the biscuits resided. When I scolded him he would retort that I couldn't meditate with an eye open. This continued over and on until one day I fear I simply left myself and walked out the door. The body of Obi Wan remained there with the obstinate child but my senses had simply taken a stroll into the afternoon sun, admiring the gardens. Unfortunately when I returned there was a horrid tension in the air and upon investigating I found Anakin curled under his blankets with a red hand print firmly printed onto the soft, downy skin of his cheek. The dark grey smaug turned to the inky black of darkness and came together to create a monster. I could only watch as it walked towards my almost lifeless form, appraised it as a suitable home and took up residence there. I like to think I only came back to myself because I had nowhere else to go.


	4. Chapter 4

The monster had arrived. I could feel it stirring within me as I took part in my usual routine of training, meditation and daily life. In honesty, I was thankful for its presence when I had found the frightened little boy who cringed away from me. The monster had never envountered such a thing and so moved my arms towards picking him up. I held him close wondering if the monster knew something I didn't and before long my actions were my own once more.

Is it not strange, dear reader, that when we hurt someone- they seem to seek our approval and our forgiveness? Anakin did. My shoulder was laced with murmured apologies and promises of good behaviour. I even teased the boy!

"No more biscuits then?"

He had shaken his head so hard I had to place my hands on his cheeks to steady him. His pale eyes shone with such a ring of red around then. I couldn't help it. The pain in my chest grew stronger to see the anguish in such a nymphic little face. He seemed groggy and simply rested his weight against my shoulder, though he had grown lankier, our proportions to each other were still relatively comical. He was older now but in an endearing fashion, he wiped his snotty little nose across the fabric of my robes and lay himself across the bed so as to place his head in my lap.

He thought we were the only people in that room for he didn't know about the problem I had acquired only moments before. Gently, oh so gently, I carded my fingers through his short hair. He sniffled as we sat there and sniffled when manouevered to the kitchen. My nerves were jangled as I made supper that day. I did not like the way in which my little protegee stared at me. My little master would shrug and sigh at any attempt at small talk and though it made me wonder if he hsd truly forgiven me, I came to realise that this teenage version of him was here to stay.

"You will try harder with your meditation, my Padawan," I told him when we finished our simple meal.

"Mm," he replied.

"Anakin!"

"Yes, Master," he said with sadness. Force help me.

"I only want to help you," I said, my teeth gritted. "You will poison yourself with your own anger and pain. Your moods are affecting the entire temple, can you understand why I am asking you to meditate? Why I am pushing you?"

"Yes, Master."

He swung his legs under the table as his pale eyes darted towards the biscuit jar.

"Anakin, listen to me. The Force is incredibly powerful and within you it is the strongest we have ever seen. But the Force does not make you good. It has the power to become dark and to twist the love you feel. I know you wouldn't want that. Not for those who love you."

Reader, I must tell you how arrogant I was then. For when I spoke of those who love him, I thought only of my own name. The fact that the boy existed to other people completely left my thoughts. To me, he was my child and my Anakin. He always had been, I couldn't recall any room ever having been free from his pestering annoyance.

"You do want to be good, don't you Anakin? You want to work hard and become a powerful Jedi," I smiled at him and nudge his foot under the table.

"No."

I withdrew. Despite being mischievous, I knew that Anakin would not lie to me.

"No?"

He shrugged his bony little shoulders and cast his eyes away from me in shame.

"You don't want that," I asked him. I could taste my own fear but now I wonder if I was tasting his through our growing bond.

"I want-"

My silence encouraged him.

"I want to go home."

"This is your home," I snapped. He didn't look at me but he gave a tiny nod. My heart was thundering in my ears and the room gave a funny turn. Throughout the rest of the evening an usual quiet descended over our living quarters and the old cad Obi Wan lay in his bed awaiting the pad pad pad of his padawan's little feet. He looked up during the course of the night to see the door frame empty and so reached out with the Force to scope into the other sleeping room.

I had crossed the apartment and stood against the door, its cold, clean form was used to soothe my fevered skin. When I think back now I wonder how I ever had enough restraint to stay there. I heard something I had heard a number of times. My padawan was crying. But I had never once heard it through a closed door. I went back to my own room, lay down amongst the soft sheets. And we cried together, apart.


	5. Chapter 5

It had been a miracle. To be out of the temple in a different environment would have been enough but to be somewhere as beautiful as this was incredible. Given the ever present and ever growing work of the Order, there was little downtime to be had and any leisure activities were generally a distant memory for those within the temple.

I had taken a whim that Anakin should be his usual surly and bored self but perhaps with a change of scenery to make it all the more comical. He would find his usual stomping muffled by soft grass and his glares facillitated by the afternoon sun. It had taken some convincing to be allowed to take this trip to the Alfan Gardens with Mace cautioning me directly about what the boy was and was not ready to do. I merely had to point out the sickly palour and cagey anxiety that Anakin had taken on and the trip was authorised with a cheery "You know what's best".

I only wish dear reader that I had known what was best for him. When it came to Anakin's happiness and well being I was almost an expert. I held the highest education in calming his moods and quelling the Force that wrang through his nerve endings. However, when it came to Anakin's future, I was never to know what was best for him.

The gardens stretched before us in many tiers and rivulets of beauty. Upon arriving there we had docked the ship and Anakin groaned at having been made to attend with me. I had convinced him that we were travelling to Ephamie so that vital immunisations could be delivered in the form of shots. To see his impish face return in the form of panic had been quite nostalgic even though I felt quite cruel. He couldn't understand why his little pout made me laugh so.

Stepping out into the sunshine was a welcome feeling and even though my charge thought he was walking towards something less than pleasing, I could feel him perk up through the bond.

"How many do I have to have," he asked as we stepped down from the ship. I smiled to myself and stretched.

"You don't Anakin. I was teasing you. We're here to have fun."

My oh my, was his face a pretty picture! For a moment I thought he might kick me but instead he gave a hollar of joy and excitement and ran ahead of me on the path. He turned to look at me and I swear, I had never seen him look so young and free. I chased after him and he laughed as I lifted him, his now gangly legs dangling beneath him. He squirmed enough for me to drop him and he lay down on the soft blue grass. I knew I would have to wash the dirt from his robes later before it set in. Spreading himself out he rested an arm over his eyes and soaked up as much sun as he could, though it is only half the sun he had always known on Tatooine.

"Are we really here to have fun?"

"Yes, Anakin. We are really here to have fun. I can teach you how to swim if you would like."

He didn't really respond to that one but he did reel off an impressive list of other activities we could partake in. Before I had even caught my breath he had bounded up and taken off running towards the veranda of the cascading buildings brimming with residents. The smell of food was intoxicating as I followed after him. He was already hopped up on a stool at the counter as I weaved my way through tables and as I approached a server placed a dish of soup in front of him with a smile. That little charmer.

I handed over a few credits and the woman looked at me with confusion, watching the boy to see that he did in fact know me. Begrudingly she brought another bowl for me and I struggled to eat through laughing at Anakin's antics.

"You were about to get a free meal, my Padawan," I teased and he shrugged. "Perhaps she thought you were a little streat urchin, begging for a meal. You certainly smell like one," I poked his ribs and he squirmed.

"No I don't! You're the one who looks scruffy with that beard!"

"Careful, little one. Or I might go back to the ship and leave you here," I waggled my eyebrows at him and he stuck his tongue out.

"Fine by me."

Just then a different server brought drinks for us both as well as sweet meats and fruit. When he looked at me something seemed off. A vacant and glassy look had come over him before he wandered off.

"Anakin Skywalker. I hope that you did not use the Force to get that soup," I said slowly. Surely the boy would never do something like that. He wouldn't even know how!

"What," he said between mouthfuls of food. What a cunning little actor he was. He even looked confused.

"What did you say to her, why didn't you have to pay?"

He shrugged and flinched when I grasped his shoulder.

"I said I was hungry," he whined and pulled away from me. We were starting to draw the attention of the other patrons. I calmed myself then. Even if the boy had been using Force persuasion, he didn't fully understand it. It was unintentional, I rationalised. The two servers were whispering to each other now whilst throwing the occasional curious stare in my direction. I bid Anakin to eat quickly and then dragged him with me through the door that led to the open reception area.


	6. Chapter 6

"It's hard to describe but I know what it was," she insisted. "I wouldn't tell you to come if I didn't think it was something. If you look there's a chance they're still here. Handed over some credits though so maybe they don't have a room. I don't know."

"You've been very helpful," the man in the cloak simpered to her and slicked her hand with credits. Imagining what to do with the newly acquired fortune she backed away behind the counter once more. It was dark now. Every patron having moved on to other places or lay asleep.

Stepping gracefully forward, the hooded figure pressed a fingertip to the empty dish that remained on the counter.

'My word. What creature could leave such an impression?' It wouldn't take much to track down one who was practically brimming over with the Force. No knowledge of how to contain it, nor the sense to hide it. He felt a more bitter register as he followed the residue. It was faintly there but present none the less.

'Highly controlled and capable. Able to create Force shields, travelling with an inexperienced companion.'

"Jedi," he hissed. It couldn't be! No, no no. This was all wrong, terribly wrong. He would have known if it had been Jedi.

"What did they wear," he asked the woman abruptly. Her lack of response irritated him. One slight twist, her eyes vacant and dreamy and she was his.

"Grey robes, belt and boots."

He let the control slip through his grasp and he himself left her there to follow what he could of the trail.

* * *

"Anakin!"

My gasp had startled him from a deep slumber, the kind that usually had him twitching and kicking me. Eyes heavy, I threw the covering off of me and stood. A chill set into the outer layer of my skin as I felt the floorboards creak.

"Anakin, wake up," I roused him gently, though for all purposes he remained dead to the world even as he stood.

"Listen to me. I need you to promise me that you will obey everything I tell you, do you understand? This is not a game and it is very important that you follow my instructions."

Force help the little creature in front of me. It made my heart ache to see him stand himself a little taller, trying to show his maturity.

"I understand, Master," he replied without a hint of sarcasm. I was grateful.

I nodded and told him to pull the sheets from the bed. Together we wrestled with the linens and he followed my lead as I threw them into the shower in the fresher. Closing the door to mask the sound of the water I bid him wipe down every surface of our small room. In only a few minutes we have removed every force trace of our presence, any chance at finding DNA.

"We need to leave but we cannot take our own ship. Find another, override the systems and be ready to leave. Can you do that?"

"Where are you going?"

"Can you do that, Anakin?"

"Yes, Master."

I watched him go with absolute fear and then I headed in the opposite direction.


	7. Chapter 7

The ship had seen many repairs in the years it had been in use. Every journey and each lightyear was scratched and tarnished and dented across it's surface. It held all the signs of wear and tear that a Padawan could inflict. There were scratchings in the panelling that marked who knows what. There were pencil markings on the wall where Anakin had chartered his height without my knowing. There was even a number of little drawings behind the panelling in the left wing. And all of it was in flames.

I knew I had to act quickly to find Anakin and leave. I did not know who they were or what their purpose was. I had only been treated to a horrifying vision of him being taken from me. No doubt they had tracked his Force presence and knew the high price they could ask in turning him over to the Sith. Anakin was a valuable commodity in such uncertain times, his youth made him vulnerable to the Dark Side.

I was relying on Anakin's enviable skills in mechanics to find a ship and have it working. My doubts only resided in his ability to fly the thing with any concern for his passenger's queasy stomach. Panic quickly rose within me as I hunted amongst the docked vessels before one seemed to spring to life, lights flickering into action as the sound of generated power surged around me. I didn't hesitate as I climbed on board, the door sealing behind me. I found Anakin already at the control pad, grinning at me in the hopes of praise.

"Move over," I shuffled him to the side and took control, maneuvering us into the air and setting the course to return to Coruscant. His pout was distracting as he watched me work. I wanted to take a moment to admire it but I knew the blazing attraction that had once been our ship would have caught some attention. We moved onto our course but I couldn't help but check our perimetre every few hundred thousand miles.

"Who are we running away from," he asked after a little while.

"Reapers. They hunt through the Galaxy to find Force sensitive children in the hopes of selling them to the Sith. They may even be Sith themselves, I don't know."

I expected Anakin to look afraid or even slightly wary at least but he seemed as he always did, mildly unconcerned.

"Does this mean we are not on holiday anymore?"

"I'm afraid it does," I replied bitterly. It had taken so much persuasion and planning just to be able to bring my little charge outside of the Temple Walls and now they would never allow it again. I stewed in my own annoyance for longer than I care to admit. When I looked down I found my Padawan had fallen asleep, head lolling to the side as his neck perched dangerously on the edge of the seat. I pulled off my outer robes and folded them into a bundle to rest beneath his head. He began to drool on it inevitably. Wonderful.


	8. Chapter 8

I had carried him into the Temple, the little sleeping bundle in my arms. The usually awake and irritating and jubilant boy was slumped with his head to my shoulder, drooling on my robes from a new angle. Soon he would be too big for me to do this with ease. Mace had greeted me with a perplexed look and in whispers I explained that Reaper's had been on our trail. He gave me a sage nod and suggested I get some rest. That I fully intended to do but resting is not an easy activity when Anakin is near.

I lay him down in our apartment, feet first to the large bed as I drape his sleeping form across the mattress. He is unresponsive, little mouth slack and eyelashes tickling his somewhat chubby cheeks. He looks almost nothing as he did when I first met him, all rounded face and hair that looked like his mother had simply given up in despair and cut it with a bowl around his head. Now his Padawan braid fell just to his shoulder, brushing against his robes angrily each time he shook his head at me in annoyance, which was often.

I stroked my hand along his soft yet short hair and he squirmed away from my touch. I knew how to take a hint and so I pulled away. I departed for my own bed, falling into an uneasy sleep despite my exhaustion. My ears listened for any sign that Anakin was in distress and I began to question if the Universe was against my taking him to the gardens in the first place.


End file.
